BISMARCK – As lawmakers in Washington demand answers regarding the recent UFO sightings above the skies of North America, North Dakota is taking a different approach by welcoming the off-world visitors to the Flickertail State.
The North Dakota Department of Commerce announced this weekend a new outreach program aimed at recruiting extraterrestrial beings to the state to combat its growing workforce shortage.
Dubbed Star Search Reimagined, the program is aimed at recruiting extraterrestials to North Dakota to fill high-demand occupations.
Intergalatic Workforce Recruitment Officer Buzz Starsky at the North Dakota Department of Commerce says he’s hopeful Star Search Reimagined will help fill the nearly 20,000 open positions in the state.
“There’s a lot of available jobs in the state and unfortunately, injecting millions of dollars into our Find the Goodlife Campaign has only resulted in one individual coming here, who left as soon as I-94 was re-opened during the last blizzard,” says Starsky. “But as America looks to the skies in terror, Governor Burgum sees opportunity – an opportunity to solve our workforce crisis through innovation, not regulation. North Dakota needs to be extratersterial friendly if we want a workforce that’s 21st century ready. So we’re working with legislators to roll back all occupational requirements to give aliens the chance to fill any position they choose as soon as they land in North Dakota. If the aliens are willing to work, North Dakota is willing to take them.”
Commerce says North Dakota native and Taco Bell Actor Josh Duhamel will serve as the spokesman for Star Search Reimagined.
“Duhamel’s on-screen experience working with aliens throughout the Transformer series makes him the ideal candidate to serve as the face of our Star Search Reimagined campaign.”
According to a spokesman for Governor Burgum, any alien wishing to work as electricians, lawyers, teachers or doctors won’t need any prior experience nor education to fill these positions.
“Anyone who’s ever watched Unsolved Mysteries knows that an alien doesn’t need to attend med school to work as a proctologist because most aliens already have probing experience. So we’re cutting the red tape for our new visitors,” said Burgum’s spokesman. “We want the aliens to know the opportunities are here in North Dakota, not Montana, not Alaska, not Lake Huron. If they’re listening, please stop avoiding our state. You are welcome here.”
Over the weekend, Burgum met with Department of Defense officials to begin preliminary work on a spacecraft landing zone at the State Capitol in Bismarck.
“As soon as they land, I’ll be out the door to welcome them with an outstretched hand, a pizza burger flying saucer style from Big Boy and a job offer,” says Burgum. “That is the very essance of ‘North Dakota Nice.'”
Not everyone in Bismarck is excited over North Dakota Commerce’s new initiative. Represenative Jeff Hoverson says North Dakota doesn’t know enough about these new visitors.
“We don’t even know if these things in the sky are in fact aliens or the Chinese,” says Hoeverson. “My gut tells me they’re the Chinese. None of this started until after Bismarck built a Panda Express. So if you ask me, that restaurant is a front for some sort of Chinese survelliance program that’s after me and my collegues. Rep. Kasper says his social media has been acting up again too, so most definately the Chinese are here in Bismarck, watching us and conducting some sort of operation. North Dakota is a target, because the Chinese know there’s still a few of us legislators willing to take a stand against them and their plan to sterylize our population with mRNA Covid-19 vaccines.”
More on this story as it develops.
The Flickertail Times is a sattrical news blog featuring all things North Dakotan.