Minot, N.D. – The Minot City Commission is warning legislators and elected officials not to wish for another Minot, following Governor Doug Burgum’s comments from his 2023 State of the State address.
In a rare joint-statement warning addressed to Governor Burgum, Minot’s city commission said nobody wishes for another Magic City.
“We share Governor Burgum’s optimizim and celebrate our state’s growing population. However, the Governor’s comments during his annual State of the State address, asking us all to envision another Minot was startling. Trust us. Nobody wants another Minot. Not even Minot.”
The commission cited violent crime and global instability among its many list of reasons why North Dakota should not wish for another Minot.
“Things have been so bad in Minot, we had to cancel the Hostfest for nearly three-years straight. Williams and Ree won’t perform without bodyguards. And I don’t think anyone needs to be reminded of what happened when Kid Rock canceled his ND State Fair appearance in the Magic City last summer,” said a city commissioner. “Also, because the Minot Air Force Base represents two-thirds of the nation’s nuclear triad, we’re the bullseye if Russia were to launch a nuclear strike. Why not Minot? Because you’ll die.”
According to the FBI’s Violent Crime Statistics, 63% of Minot residents have been the victim of or committed an act of violent crime. The remaining 37% were murdered and unable to complete the survey.
“It’s the Chicago of the Dakotas,” said an FBI Spokesman. “Rival gangs have divded the city up into North Hill, South Hill and the Valley. And in each of those districts, you won’t find a single business that hasn’t been boarded up.”
A Minot Public Schools administrator says efforts to prevent crime by providing student outreach have failed.
“The crime here has been so bad, we brought in McGruff to provide outreach for students at Minot’s Central Campus. Within two hours of his visit, he was bullied, mugged, and found locked in a dumpster behind the school,” said the administrator. “We were hoping McGruff would take a bite out of crime, but instead, Minot took a bite out of him.”
The North Dakota Department of Corrections says the state prison has a wing “just for the criminals from Minot.”
“We’re hoping the Governor will allocate more money to our budget this biennium to expand the ‘Magic City’ wing of the state prison,” said a department of corrections spokesman.
Meanwhile, legislators from Minot’s legislative districts were spotted in the House and Senate Chambers changing their district numbers on their name plaques as word of the Minot City Commission’s joint statement spread.
Represenatives Corey Mock and Josh Boschee, both Minot natives, denied initially growing up in the city, but later confirmed to the Flickertail Times that they were in fact residents during their childhoods.
“Unfortunately there’s a stigma associated with folks from Minot and Corey and I have been trying to avoid that,” said Boschee. “But we also like to think that perhaps we’re both examples of those who were able to rise above. Perhaps that’ll give hope to others wishing to break free from the chains of Minot’s dispair.”
In yet another blow to the Magic City was Minot native and Taco Bell Actor Josh Duhamel’s statement issued on Instagram in response to the Minot City Commisson’s warning.
“To be clear, I’m from North Dakota. That’s all anyone needs to know.”
More on this story as it develops.
The Flickertail Times is a sattrical news blog featuring all things North Dakotan.