Bismarck – Rep. Chet Pollert and Rep. Scott Louser recently unveiled strict policies aimed at female legislators and staff after years of complaints against Rep. Luke Simons surfaced this week.
The new policies will enforce a variety of measures on female legislators and state employees that seek to curb “the uncontrollable impulses exhibited by legislators that are triggered by women.”
“It’s abhorrent that a little disagreement about masks in the cafeteria turned into a crossover scandal,” said Rep. Pollert. “For the last four years, we’ve swept these little complaints against Luke under the rug and everything has been fine. Now we’re dealing with a full blown crisis because a certain someone was upset that Luke wasn’t wearing a mask.”
Pollert said the past complaints were dealt with appropriately including relocating accusers away from Simons.
“We’d get creative with our excuses as to why we kept moving women away from Luke’s desk. We obviously didn’t want to inconvenience Luke by moving him. Once we even blamed a woman’s pregnancy and belittled her by telling Luke she needed to be moved so she could be closer to a restroom. Those were the good old days.”
Assistant Majority Leader Scott Louser says he coordinated with Majority Leader Chet Pollert to write the new rules that will be enforced at the Capitol.
“Both myself and Rep. Pollert spent the weekend combing through dozens of episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale to assist us with drafting our new female policies,” said Rep. Louser. “These policies will hopefully curb the loose behavior exhibited by the women in the Capitol that have triggered unwanted advances from their male colleagues.”
According to the rules outlined, women will not be allowed to speak to men in the House or Senate unless authorized by Rep. Louser or Rep. Pollert. Women will be sent home if they wear makeup or heels exceeding 1/4 inch. Clothing that exposes shoulders, arms, wrists or skin one inch below the neckline is strictly forbidden and women’s dresses may only extend one inch off the floor.
Louser says he retooled Governor Burgum’s COVID-19 risk assessment meter to warn his colleagues on the distraction risk a woman’s appearance may impose.
“The recent allegations unearthed by the legislative council are shocking and we must not tolerate behavior that lures or tempts my esteemed colleagues. We’re installing a separate entrance for women where their attire will be inspected by myself before they’re allowed entry in the Capitol. If they’re allowed entry we’ll grade them on our frisky meter to rate the degree of distraction they may impose on our colleagues. We can’t have a bunch of ladies distracting Luke while he conducts the business of District 36 in the legislature.”
Pollert says he’s working with the Legislative Council to identify areas for women where they can work separately and away from men in the Capitol.
“We’re making temporary space available near the cafeteria’s kitchen,” says Pollert. “And should the ladies want to make themselves useful in there [kitchen], who am I to argue?”
Married women will also be required to be escorted by their spouses while in the Capitol. Women who are not married will be asked to work remotely via Zoom. The North Dakota Information Technology Department says they are disabling Zoom filters, at the request of Rep. Louser, on laptops issued to female state employees that could “enhance” their appearances.
“We’re not taking any chances. Luke is a victim in this story and we’re making every accommodation available to him to prevent further incidents.”
Pollert says he is unnerved by the allegations unsealed by Legislative Council, noting there are always two sides to every story.
“The only thing I thought was odd in the complaints was Luke’s preference for wearing women’s underwear. When I confronted Luke about it, he took me shopping to Victoria’s Secret to clear things up and I was surprised as to just how comfortable the underwear really is. In fact, I’m wearing a Body by Victoria thong right now. I appreciate how the undergarment shows no seams through the back of my pants and allows me to move freely and quickly through the halls of the Capitol.”
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