WASHINGTON, DC — Congressional leaders unveiled this evening their long-awaited stimulus package that provides all American households with a McRib sandwich.
Dubbed the “McStimulus”, leaders in both parties say they were able to compromise on a bill that will bring immediate relief to Americans.
“The American people have been counting on Congress to pass a stimulus package that puts aside petty partisan politics,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “For those concerned that this next stimulus round is simply a pork-barrel piece of legislation slapped between two buns, they need not worry because frankly, we’re not entirely sure what sort of meat is in a McRib.”
Nancy Pelosi says her office had hoped to reach a deal sooner by sending each household an order of Nachos Navidad from Taco Johns however, President Trump threatened to veto the bill.
“We all know how the President feels about Mexico,” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “Nachos Navidad was always a deal-breaker. President Trump is committed to putting Americans first and not Taco John.”
The new stimulus package will provide households with options including the ability to customize their McRib.
“Americans want options and we’re delivering,” touted Mitch McConnell. “Americans will be urged to download the McDonalds app and choose if they want pickles, no pickles, or extra sauce. For those needing a vegetarian or vegan-friendly option, they’ll be able to request a filet-o-fish.”
North Dakota Senator Kevin Cramer says he is working to ensure North Dakotans are at the front of the McRib distribution line.
“We’re still working out the details on how exactly we’re going to deliver the tasty bone and meat shaped sandwiches to everyone, but North Dakotans can rest easy knowing they’ll be at the front of the line,” said Cramer.
North Dakota Senator John Hoeven echoed Cramer’s statement.
“We know people are struggling to make ends meet, pay their rent, and put food on the table,” said Hoeven. “And our new McRib stimulus accomplishes at least one of those, just in time for Christmas.”
Hoeven says he plans to work at a Minot McDonalds drive-through to personally hand out McRib sandwiches to the public.
“I’ll personally be handing out a McRib to ten lucky citizens, who will also receive a commemorative pair of McDonalds slippers,” says Hoeven. “So if you can’t pay your utility bill, at least you’ll have something to keep you warm beside the McRib.”
Despite the congressional compromise, not every American is thrilled.
“I won’t be eating anything the federal government sends us,” said North Dakota State Senator Ole Larsen. “We don’t know what’s in these sandwiches. They’re trying to rush them out the door as quickly as possible and into our bodies. For all we know, they’re full of Bill Gates microchips that’ll turn us into gay liberal sheep.”
A widely distributed video of a front-line working fainting after eating a McRib was trending on Twitter and Facebook before being pulled from the popular social networks.
“The government is obviously trying to hide something from us,” said Bismarck resident Tim Foil. “I’ve already boycotted Facebook and joined Parler where I can actually share the videos the lame-stream media doesn’t want us to see. Did you see the video of Joe Biden eating the McRib? There’s not even any meat in the sandwich. But they don’t want us to see that.”
As Congress prepares to distribute McRibs across the nation, North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum says his office is ensuring North Dakota’s McDonalds are prepared to distribute the sandwiches.
“Distributing 250,000+ McRib sandwiches is no easy task. Fortunately, I’ve recruited another college intern to develop a Power BI dashboard to track the daily distribution of McRibs across North Dakota,” said Burgum. “North Dakotans will also be able to download our retooled Bison tracker app to locate their nearest McRib. Once again, we are saving lives and livelihoods through innovation and unpaid interns.”
More on this story as it develops.
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