BISMARCK – Governor Doug Burgum announced today his North Dakota Smart Restart guidelines have revealed historians grossly overestimated the Black Death.
Through an executive order, Burgum ordered the State Historical Society to reevaluate history “through the lens of North Dakota Smart Restart Guidelines.” The results, Burgum says, have been startling.
“As it turns out, the black death really wasn’t that deadly because the calculations used to determine the number of deaths that occurred resulting from the plague is incorrect,” said Burgum in an eleven-hour news conference. “Using North Dakota Smart Restart Guidelines, we are now discovering only 23 individuals died as a result of the bubonic plague, all of which had underlying health conditions. The findings were approved by myself, the North Dakota Department of Health, the State Historical Society, and my ND Smart Restart graphic designer. The findings were compiled into a report that was developed over the course of a brisk 15-minute walk around the Capitol grounds. We are now in the process of submitting these findings to one of America’s most trusted and esteemed institutions, Bismarck State College, for peer review. Once again, we’re putting facts over fear as North Dakota rewrites the history books through innovation and curiosity.”
Burgum says through his executive order, history could change as we know it.
“Everything we know about history may be wrong. The Great Depression might have actually been great and not depressing. Looking at the numbers using our smart restart guidelines, we may find the Civil War was more of a civil dialogue than an actual war. The possibilities are endless. I’ve spoken to Superintendent Baesler and we’re looking at perhaps utilizing the remaining CARES Act money the state received to replace all of North Dakota’s K-12 history books with volumes that use North Dakota Smart Restart Guidelines to evaluate history.”
The North Dakota Republican Party applauded Burgum’s executive order and say the North Dakota Smart Restart Risk Assessment could exonerate a few elected officials.
“If the North Dakota Smart Restart Risk Assessment can change what we thought about history, perhaps it can be applied to reassess the risk levels associated with blood alcohol levels,” said the North Dakota Republican Party. “That would be great news for the North Dakota Department of Public Instruction and Tax Commissioner.”
More on this story as it develops.
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