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Burgum Appoints Dr. Pepper to Coordinate State’s COVID-19 Response

As COVID-19 infections soar across North Dakota, Burgum taps Dr. Pepper to handle crisis

Teddy Meadowlark by Teddy Meadowlark
August 25, 2020
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Burgum Appoints Dr. Pepper to Coordinate State’s COVID-19 Response
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BISMARCK — Governor Doug Burgum announced today he has tapped Dr. Pepper to handle North Dakota’s COVID-19 crisis as infections continue to spread across the state.

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Burgum calls the move “North Dakota Smart” as the Governor faces mounting criticism to issue a shelter-in-place order.

North Dakota remains one of the last states in the nation to order a shelter-in-place.

“This morning, I have issued Executive Order 2020-1885, and appointed Dr. Pepper to lead our state’s crisis response to the COVID-19 threat,” said Governor Burgum. “I’d first like to express my gratitude to my staff for coordinating this partnership. They searched high and low for a vending machine in the State Capitol that served Dr. Pepper, reaffirming their commitment to North Dakota at this difficult time. Second, North Dakota can be assured that my staff and our joint operations can make informed decisions guided by one of the world’s most celebrated and foremost leading medical experts, Dr. Pepper. Since 1885, Dr. Pepper has served millions of people worldwide. First created by pharmacist Charles Alderton, Dr. Pepper has been credited for aiding digestion and restoring vim, vigor, and vitality. And vim, vigor, and vitality are certainly some qualities both myself and my staff could use. I’d like us all to welcome Dr. Pepper to Team North Dakota.”

Sources close to Burgum say the Governor had originally requested Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew to join his team, however, the Governor’s staff was unable to reach the television personalities.

Dr. Pepper will join Team ND to aid in the state’s COVID-19 response.

On Sunday morning, the United States Attorney General Jerome Adams pleaded with Governors to issue a shelter-in-place. Burgum has refused to issue a shelter-in-place order and remains one of the last governors in the United States to do so.

“If you can’t give us 30 days, governors, give us, give us a week, give us what you can, so that we don’t overwhelm our health care systems over this next week,” Adams said.

Despite the Surgeon General’s plea, Governor Burgum has made no indiciation he will issue a shelter-in-place order and will continue to seek guidance from Team North Dakota’s newest member, Dr. Pepper.

“I’ve closed our bars, our restaurants, and our hair salons. I don’t think there’s anything more I can do. I’m certainly not going to close Menards. I’m aware that thousands of people continue to flock to the store despite our best social distancing advice, but Menards provides essential services. From plumbing, electrical, and appliances too, the savings will always come right back to you. Everyone can save big money at Menards, and right now, anything our citizens can do to save big money is the very definition of ‘North Dakota Smart.'”

While no additional announcements have been made regarding future appointments, Governor Burgum is rumored to be in talks with J.G. Wentworth to coordinate the Federal Government’s CARE Act check disbursements in North Dakota and “The General” from the General Insurance Company to provide military counsel.

The Flickertail Times is a satirical news blog featuring all things North Dakotan. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it to editor@flickertailtimes.com

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Teddy Meadowlark

Teddy Meadowlark

Teddy Meadowlark was born and raised in North Dakota. Today he travels often across the Flickertail State, drawing inspiration for his stories from the events and people shaping North Dakota.

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