BISMARCK — Governor Burgum ordered the closure of North Dakota’s K-12 public and private schools Sunday night in an effort to help the state “get it’s sh*t together”.
“We’re looking at the data and the number of ventilators available in our state and we’re realizing we need more time get our shit together,” said Governor Burgum. “We didn’t have the metrics last week that show our predicament today — that our legislators are screwed, Al Jaegar is screwed, as are the wonderful ladies who run the information kiosk in the capitol and anyone in our state who’s old or have underlying health conditions. We need data, we need time, we need more charts with thoughtful stock photography featuring North Dakota, and so I am ordering that all K-12 public and private schools close for five days. This five day period will be needed in order for us to accurately measure just how screwed we are and to illustrate how far we have our heads up our asses.”
Burgum says there is a lot of misinformation regarding the COVID-19 crisis, which is why North Dakotans should avoid watching future White House press conferences and Fox News.
Superintendent Kirsten Baesler also took the opportunity during the press conference to ensure everyone knew who she was.
“I’m Kirsten Baesler, Superintendent of Public Instruction, North Dakota Public Instruction,” Baesler yelled. “We need to also reassure our kids because there’s so much uncertainty right now, especially with myself given my personal challenges and whether or not I can half-ass it through this situation.”
Baesler was quickly rushed off-stage by aids as she began to summerize her five-day vacation plans to visit every bar in the Bismarck/Mandan area.
Governor Burgum said North Dakotans should take the next five days to learn a new hobby, exercise, write a letter or reacquaint themselves with their spouse.
“With the cancellation of school and sports, you may be asking yourself what you should do with your spare time. But many of you may have forgotten you are married or have a partner, so I ask you to use the next five days to perhaps visit with them again, learn their name and make some quality time to indulge in Netflix and ‘chill’. This is also an excellent time to write a letter, a poem, or to begin your estate planning if you have an underlying health condition.”
More on this story as it develops.
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