BISMARCK — The North Dakota Department of Health is warning that a newly identified virus has gone undetected for years, causing a variety of symptoms that may be the root cause of “North Dakota Nice”.
The newly identified virus, dubbed Bovina-1889, can cause a variety of conditions including excessive apologetic disorder, ope-cough, herd mentality, and more.
The North Dakota Department of Health’s Director of Infectious Bovine Diseases, Dr. Buffy Buffalo-Patty, says the virus was identified after bison DNA samples were compared to samples from lifelong North Dakota residents.
“For years North Dakotans have referred to their unique characteristics as ‘North Dakota Nice’ but we haven’t identified the root cause of these qualities until now,” says Dr. Buffalo-Patty. “As it turns out, North Dakota Nice derives from the Bovine-1889 virus, which was detected in bison DNA samples. In the early years of North Dakota, the bison population was at its peak, and North Dakota Nice wasn’t a thing. But as the years passed, the bison herds died off from industrial-scale hunting and habitat loss due to the western expansion of farming. As the bison population dwindled, North Dakota’s population steadily increased. It’s highly possible that the Bovine-1889 virus spread to humans so that the bison could survive. At the very least, the traits and qualities of the bison herds could linger on through their new human hosts.”
The good news is that Bovina-1889 is not harmful nor deadly. Instead, it causes a variety of symptoms unique to those familiar with North Dakotans.
“Anytime you find yourself driving down a rural highway or road and involuntarily wave hello to passing strangers by signaling to them with several fingers, also known as the “farmer’s wave”, you most likely are infected with Bovina. If you’ve ever said ‘sorry’ anytime you’ve tried to move around someone, or excessively said ‘ope’ anytime you’ve tripped, stumbled, or reached around someone to grab a product off a store shelf, chances are you’ve also been infected with the Bovina virus. Some strands of Bovina-1889 have also lead to North Dakotans to excessively brag about discounts they’ve received on personal belongings after being complimented on said items,” says Dr. Buffalo-Patty.
Not everything is “nice” however with those infected with the virus. Heard-mentality is also a symptom of Bovina-1889, causing the infected to unnecessarily herd together, causing travel delays and excessively long lines at retail checkout lanes.
“Anytime you observe a long checkout lane at Walmart, even if other lanes are empty, you’re most likely observing the impacts of Bovina-1889. It’s also why North Dakotans insist on overcrowding turning lanes, even if the adjacent turning lane that leads in the same direction is empty. If anyone has parked excessively close to your vehicle, even if the entire parking lot is empty, you’ve experienced the impact of Bovina-1889. North Dakotan’s can’t help themselves from overcrowding lines, public places, and wide-open spaces. It all leads back to the herd mentality of the bison. Crowding together provided safety, security, and survival for the bison herds for centuries, which is why those infected with Bovina-1889 exhibit those same patterns.”
While Bovina-1889 doesn’t seem like a public health risk, officials warn that the virus also impairs the brain’s ability to conduct risk-assessment, putting many North Dakotans unnecessarily in harm’s way. Those who are worried they may have contracted the virus should have their health provider test for the virus.
“We’ve noticed that the Bovina-1889 virus causes many North Dakotans to stand outside to observe lightning or stand in their driveways to observe the sky when tornado sirens are sounded. This is most likely due to the fact that the prairie offered little shelter for the bison, and so the herds had no other choice but to watch and endure the harsh weather. Each winter we receive dozens of reports of drivers disregarding no-travel advisories and often hear about folks who drive around road closures during blizzard conditions. Again these behaviors all trace back to the bison herds. In the cold, brutal winters of North Dakota, the herds had to keep moving in order to stay warm. It’s why those infected with Bovina-1889 feel a sudden urge to travel in even the harshest of winter conditions.”
Governor Burgum’s office confirmed the Governor recently tested positive for Bovina-1889 at a screening in Bismarck.
“We can confirm the Governor tested positive for Bovina-1889,” said the Governor’s Director of Health and Fitness, Tony Little. “However, it appears he contracted a mild form of the disease, Bovina-1889-E, that is commonly found in the eastern part of the state where the Governor prefers to spend his time. He is taking the necessary precautions to prevent further spread of the virus and has contacted Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos along with Bill Gates and other individuals the governor socialized with over the weekend in Washington out of an abundance of caution.”
Officials say the Bovina-1889 virus also causes a peculiar phenomenon that leaves those infected with the illness infatuated and obsessed with pyrotechnics, explosions, and fireworks.
“For those who may be skeptical, just visit the cities of Lincoln or Mandan during the 4th of July. Anytime there’s an ice-jam in the state, North Dakotans are quick to conclude that the solution is to simply ‘blow up the ice,'” says Dr. Buffalo-Patty. “Clearly Bovina-1889 has a wide variety of symptoms that we don’t fully understand however we think there may be a correlation between the thundering roar of the bison herds and the sounds of fireworks and demolitions. The sound-waves emitted from bison herds and fireworks are not much different from one another.”
Another symptom of Bovina-1889 may cause men to excessively modify their pickup trucks to blow black smoke and raise their vehicle’s height beyond manufacturer specifications to assert dominance. These symptoms likely mimic the bison herd-leaders, who were usually the largest males that would often snort to assert their dominance.
Health officials say while there isn’t a known cure for Bovina-1889, traveling or moving away from North Dakota may alleviate symptoms. However, long-term exposure to North Dakota may make it harder for the virus to weaken and life-long residents, especially seniors, will find it difficult to relieve themselves of symptoms.
“Probably the number one characteristic of Bovina-1889 is how stubborn the virus is, which is why carriers of the infection are also stubborn. We’re 99.8% certain that all of North Dakota’s legislature and state government is infected.”
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