GRAND FORKS — The United States Space Force announced North Dakota Senator Kevin Cramer has been selected as the military branch’s first space chimp.
The Space Force recently met with Cramer in Cavalier and Grand Forks along with other state and local leaders. It concluded it was unable to find any signs of intelligent life but saw an opportunity to utilize Cramer in future missions.
The United States Space Force is a military service that organizes, trains, and equips space forces in order to protect U.S. and allied interests in space and to provide space capabilities to the joint force.
“We are excited to announce Space Force has found a replacement chimp for future test flights,” said the United States Space Force. “Senator Kevin Cramer will be the first chimpanzee our branch of the military sends to space. During our time in North Dakota, we had hoped to gather insight and intelligence. Instead, we were lead on a rambling two-day mission with Senator Cramer as we toured facilities in North Dakota including a stop at the local junior college, the University of North Dakota. While we quickly concluded the Senator exhibited no signs of intelligent life and lacked basic cognitive abilities, we realized he would make the perfect space chimp for our branch of the military. The United States has been without a space chimp since Ham’s 1961 suborbital flight.”
Ham the Astrochimp, was a chimpanzee and the first hominid launched into space, on January 31, 1961, as part of the U.S. space program’s Project Mercury.
Cramer says he is excited and honored to join Space Force.
“I consider it an honor that the Space Force has chosen me to pilot future missions to explore the final frontier,” said Cramer. “As I embark on this new adventure, I want to reassure everyone that my absence will not disrupt our state. North Dakotans should expect the same delays, annoyances, and embarrassments provided by myself and my staff while I am away.”
Cramer’s Director of Space Operations Werner Von Astronut says the Space Force presented Cramer with a souvenir map of space and chart mapping materials to commemorate his first mission. The Senator is reported to already be studying the materials to prepare himself for his first mission.
“It’s the same coloring book and crayons we give out to two-year-olds,” says the Space Force. “But we were willing to make an exception for Senator Cramer. We look forward to sending him to infinity and beyond.”