BISMARCK — The North Dakota Supreme Court was forced to terminate public access to court documents after several sex tapes depicting Sheriff Bear were uncovered.
Titled “Rough Rider Confessions” and “Bear Naked”, the tapes allegedly depicted Sheriff Bear engaging in lewd acts with several high profile individuals including Minot State’s Buckshot the Beaver, UND’s Fighting Hawk and NDSU’s Thundar the Bison.
North Dakota Attorney General Wayne Stenehjem says his office was notified of the tapes appearing on the document portal and coordinated with the Supreme Court to have public access to all court documents revoked due to the sensitivity of the case.
“Between 2015-2018, our office, in coordination with local law enforcement and the Bureau of Criminal Investigations, uncovered a sex ring involving several high profile university mascots and Sheriff Bear,” said Stenehjem. “The group regularly met under the guise of a North Dakota University System Mascot Task-force that was created to bolster ‘friendly relations’ between public university mascots. The task-force was headed by Sheriff Bear who was appointed by the NDUS Board of Directors. Our agency suspected foul play when the group’s open-meeting notice disclosed they would be conducting ‘official university business” at an Applebee’s bar during happy hour and would conduct further in-depth discussions to bolster “inter-university relations’ at a two-bedroom suite at the neighboring Ramkota Hotel in Bismarck. Sheriff Bear made several budget requests for handcuffs as well which also raised suspicion. Essentially, everyone was having a good time at the tax-payer’s expense since the University System paid for their lodging, meals, and transportation costs. The case was ultimately settled out of court, but the tapes were part of our investigation.”
Governor Burgum issued a statement following the North Dakota Supreme Court’s decision to revoke access to public court records including the Sheriff Bear sex tapes.
“When I challenged North Dakota to foster exploration and curiosity, this is not what I had in mind,” said Governor Burgum referencing the Sheriff Bear tapes. “This is a sad, sad day for North Dakota and a stain on our reputation.”
According to court records, Sheriff Bear and the mascots were also trading sex in exchange for favors including tickets to NDSU football games in Fargo, UND hockey games in Grand Forks, Pitchfork Fondue and Medora Musical tickets, and complimentary admission to the North Dakota State Fair and Norsk Hostfest in Minot.
Moments after the sex-tapes were made public, North Dakota University System Chancellor Mark Hagerott said he vows to get to the bottom of the things.
“I’ve seen the tapes and re-watched them several times, and frankly, I’m shocked,” said Hagerott. “I’m no stranger to farms since moving to North Dakota, and I’m familiar with what goes on in the barnyards, especially when animals are in close proximity to each other. But I’ve never seen anything quite like the tapes that were recently released. I’ve launched a formal investigation into the matter and I want to reassure the public our mascots will be disciplined accordingly.”
As the North Dakota University System looks into the matter, the UND’s Fighting Hawk website (https://fightinghawks.com/sports/2018/9/20/mascot-info.aspx) has listed the mascot’s relationship status as “single, not looking, in love with University of North Dakota.” The profile also lists a personal note acknowledging a relationship between the Hawk and Bison mascots.
As NDSU heads to Frisco this weekend, sources tell us morale is quite low among the NDSU football players after the tapes surfaced.
“I think myself and coaching staff and players are just disappointed knowing that Thundar has been sleeping with the enemy,” said NDSU Football Coach Matt Entz. “Frankly this distraction is the last thing the team needs as we head into Frisco. We have extra security in place to ensure Thundar and James Madison’s Duke the Dog stay on opposite ends of the field.”
The North Dakota State Game and Fish Department says that while it’s not unheard of for different species to engage with one another, this is the first time their agency is aware of a bear, bison, hawk, and beaver engaging in a long-term relationship.
“Frankly we have a lot of questions for the Sheriff Bear and the mascots as this whole situation has eradicated nearly everything we thought we knew about nature ,” says Richard Doolittle.
While there’s been no mention if Sheriff Bear will remain apart of the Medora Musical following the release of the sex tapes, officials quietly removed Sheriff Bear’s scheduled “Outlaw Pole Barn” performances from the musical’s 2020 summer lineup.
More on this story as it develops.
The Flickertail Times is a satirical news blog featuring all things North Dakotan. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it to email@example.com