ST. PAUL, MN — The Minnesota Legislature unanimously passed a resolution today that will prohibit North Dakotan refugees from relocating to the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
The measure was passed after thousands of Minnesota residents petitioned their county governments and state legislature, pleading that Minnesota no longer accept North Dakota refugees from the German Social Services Program.
“We don’t want those damn Germans coming to our state,” said MN Representative Seymour Hicks. “How do we know they can speak the Minnesotan language? Or that they won’t start up their Nazi gangs they so famously did in World War II. Next thing you know, they’ll turn our downtown into German Stalags. Tell them they can keep their knoephla and to get their own baseball team, their own football team, and stay the hell on their side of the border. Minnesotans come first!”
The measure will prohibit the German Social Services Program from relocating North Dakotan refugees into Minnesota.
The German Social Services Program was created to assist North Dakotans who struggled to assimilate into Minnesotan culture after relocating. The program provides North Dakotans with an array of benefits including Minnesotan Language Learning courses, driving courses for those not accustomed to driving in large metropolitan areas, and food assistance for North Dakotans not used to eating Minnesotan cuisine.
The measure passed by the Minnesota legislature will also severely limit North Dakota citizens from traveling to Minnesota.
HF1889 will require all North Dakotans wishing to visit Minnesota to pass an exam which tests fluency in the Minnesotan language, as well as Minnesota history, culture, and sports history. At the border, they’ll be required to report how long they’ll be in Minnesota, the purpose of their visit, and may be subject to additional questions or searches.
The law will also prohibit North Dakotans from crossing into Minnesota with any food items including knoephla soup and tatertot hotdish. The bill also effectively bans all Fighting Hawk and Bison apparel items from being sold, worn, or displayed in Minnesota.
“We know that at the heart of the matter, most North Dakotans wish that they were Minnesotan,” said Senator Norm Dakhater. “But at the end of the day, the tax payers are fed up with caring for North Dakotans. They cross our borders with little to no regard for our culture, can’t drive on I-494, 694 or I-35 to save their lives, barely speak Minnesotan and cram their tater tot hotdish recipes down our throats. Pretty soon, we’ll be living under North Dakotan law. Are you okay with your daughters being forced to wear Ug Boots? Are you okay with your sons wearing those god awful Fighting Hawk jerseys? And is everyone okay with being forced to say, ‘ope’ everytime you need to walk around someone? I think not.”
Hundreds of comments were posted to TV affiliate DARE11’s Facebook page about the proposed law.
“It’s time Minnesotans start caring for their own including our homeless and our veterans,” said one comment. “Granted I’ve never actually done anything for our homeless or a veteran, but then again, the folks I talk to who are in favor of accepting these people don’t seem to be willing to open their doors or wallets either, and that speaks volumes.”
“What would Jesus do?,” posted another Minnesotan. “For starters, he’d learn to speak the same language!”
“Just look at what’s going on in Williston, Watford City, and Minot,” said another comment. “Do we want beautiful Minnesota turning into those oil leaking wastelands?”
“Good borders make for better neighbors,” said another. “Maybe Minnesota needs a wall of its own.”
HF1889 is now being sent to Minnesota Governor Tim Walz to sign. Arizona and Colorado’s state legislatures are also looking at adopting similar measures.
The Flickertail Times is a satirical humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: email@example.com