BISMARCK — Retailers are readying to open their doors to shoppers on a Sunday morning for the first time in North Dakota’s history thanks to the defeat of the state’s Blue Law earlier this year. However, the defeat of the Blue Law is causing some legislators to fear that Armageddon could be around the corner now that North Dakotans are trading God in for shopping carts.
Senator Dick Dever of Bismarck famously opposed attempts to defeat the Blue Law and has been warning residents in Bismarck that they should prepare soon for Armageddon.
“This just goes to show you that money really is the root of all evil. We used to be a state of laws, values and religion,” says Dever. “But now, instead of worshiping Jesus, folks will head to Walmart to worship material possessions and I just don’t think God is going to honor that. We’re all going to be sorry when we feel his wrath. Just look at Las Vegas! Their sin, lust and pleasure was attacked this week by droves of locusts. I’m worried about what God is going to do to us now that we can shop.”
North Dakota was the only state left in the nation that had a Blue Law which prohibited retailers from opening up until noon. Retailers however, will not be forced to open and many local business owners say they will continue to stay closed on Sunday despite the defeat of the archaic law.
Still, some legislators are worried the end may be near for North Dakota.
“It’s clear other states are living in sin and now North Dakota can proudly join their ranks,” said Senator Shawn Vedaa of Velva. “Now that this law is gone, families will be split apart. Husbands can kiss breakfast in bed goodbye and kids won’t have a chance to walk in on mom and dad during their Sunday morning ‘nap’ to learn about the birds and the bees. People won’t be doing what they normally do on Sunday morning now that sin and the temptation of capitalism has crept into our lands. I’m worried for North Dakota and I’ll be in the GOP doomsday bunker in Bismarck waiting for God’s judgement. May he have mercy on us.”
Despite concerns by lawmakers, according to the U.S. Department of Labor’s 2018 statistics, Sales, Food Preparation and Serving, Transportation, Construction, and Healthcare account for 40% of all North Dakota occupations — occupations that routinely employ workers on Sunday mornings.
And while thousands of North Dakotans have been working for years on Sunday (raising serious questions that lawmakers are severely out of touch with their own constituents), the statistics are not changing the minds of lawmakers.
“Statistics can be warped to say whatever you want. It’s fake news. Folks say 40% of North Dakotans are working on Sunday? I say 40% of North Dakotans are atheists,” says Rep. Vernon Laning. “I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do, I’m not getting a job just so my wife can do some extra shopping on Sunday. If she wants to spend my money on Sunday, she had better buy herself a dictionary to look up the meaning of divorce. God will not be pleased with her not honoring the sabbath.”
Despite concerns, some Republicans are not worried about Dooms Day looming this Sunday. Republican Senator Judy Lee of Fargo introduced the bill that ultimately killed the Blue Law.
“I’m not worried at all,” says Lee. “If God is looking for me, he can find me shopping the Macy’s Summer Sale event at West Acres Mall this Sunday morning as I look for the perfect jacket to wear at my Health and Human Services committee meetings.”
As Lee and other North Dakotans trade in their church pews for shopping carts this Sunday, some Republicans will huddle together in the basement of the Republican headquarters in Bismarck to wait out God’s impending wrath.
“Folks from Fargo have no moral compass. Their evil clinics, sinful parades and sin-city lifestyles speak for themselves,” says Dever. “For those of us with convictions, we’ll be waiting Armageddon out together. It’ll be a bit like Noah’s ark and folks are going to be sorry once they realize it’s too late to repent. Once we close the doors, like Noah, we won’t be opening them again. If you can’t join us, we recommend you paint your thresholds with the blood of a merchant so that the Angel of Greed may pass over your home.”
The Flickertail Times is a satirical humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: firstname.lastname@example.org