Bismarck, N.D. — Social media outages impacted millions of people around the globe, prohibiting users to access images, videos and other content on Facebook, Instagram and other platforms. Despite the collective outcry from users, the social media outage has lead to one unexpected outcome at the state capitol in Bismarck — a surge in productivity.

“The Facebook outage took us all by surprise, and with Instagram down too, it basically forced everyone to get some work done this afternoon,” said State Productivity Auditor Justin Time. “In fact, we haven’t seen such a surge in productivity ever. The Secretary of State’s office reported to us that they were able to use the downtime to wrap up their transition from dot-matrix printers to laser printers and their dial-up internet was also swapped out meaning their office can now take calls and send emails at the same time. Unfortunately, their office won’t have a chance to utilize any of their upgrades as their office is closing due to hitting their productivity quota for the year. It’s hard to say exactly when they’ll open again next year, but chances are when they do, their equipment will be due for another upgrade.”

A note on the front of the North Dakota Tax Commissioner’s office read, “Closed till January 2nd due to productivity surge. For all inquiries, visit our remote office at the Paradiso Happy Hour Patio. Chips are free, advice is extra.”

The Tax Commissioner’s office announced they’ll be opening a remote location at Paridiso’s Happy Hour Patio during the government closure.

A recording on the North Dakota Department of Tourism’s phones also said their office was closed until January due to their department’s productivity surge.

“Hello and thanks for calling the North Dakota Department of Tourism. Our office will be closed until January of 2020. Be sure to visit Medora,” the recording said.

A surge in productivity due to a social media outage lead to the closure of state agencies for the remainder of the year.

Governor Burgum’s office also announced their own productivity surge, leading the Governor to dismiss all state employees for the remainder of the year.

“The Governor was able to wrap up the remainder of his Main Street Initiative Power Points this afternoon and even had time to visit the Department of Commerce to explain to them in vague terms what the Main Street Initiative is all about while expressing his gratitude to everyone,” said Governor Burgum’s Social Media director Rob Slack. “As a result, all state employees have been dismissed due to the surge in productivity. The Governor would however, like to remind all workers to continue their daily 45 minute walks either at their homes or on the Capitol grounds.”

Slack says Governor Burgum plans to spend the remainder of his year collecting stock images of North Dakota for use in his 2020 State of the State keynote address.

The State Auditor’s office announced that despite Governor Burgum dismissing state employees, their office will remain open through the remainder of the year.

“We will never tire, we will never cease with our audits,” says North Dakota Auditor Josh Gallion. “While the State Government rests, we will be here, night and day, conducting our investigations to ensure truth and justice prevail. Corruption never rests, and neither do I.”

North Dakotans will have until 5:00 PM Wednesday, July 3rd to conduct any official state business. Offices will re-open January 3rd, 2020.

The Flickertail Times is a satirical humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: editor@flickertailtimes.com

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