Fargo, N.D. – North Dakota’s Transportation Security Administration (TSA) division is reassuring airline passengers departing North Dakota’s airports they’ll continue their policy of “Frisk First, Ask Later” despite the ongoing government shutdown.
North Dakota is the airport frisking capitol of the world, which boasts the highest percentage of frisk and search procedures than any other region on earth.
“There will be no lapse in frisking during the Federal Government shutdown,” said a North Dakota TSA Administrator. “Despite our agents going unpaid, we want to reassure the public that our continued policy of ‘frisk first, ask later’ will continue. You can tell grandma she can rest easy knowing she can plan on her annual frisking without interruption at any North Dakota airport of her choice during the Federal Government’s shutdown. From babies to seniors, we will continue to frisk them all in order to keep North Dakota’s skies safe and secure.”
North Dakota is categorized as a terrorist “soft target” due to a number of factors, leaving TSA agents with no choice but to frisk 98% of the state’s airline passengers according to one security analyst.
“You can thank North Dakota’s low crime rate for its higher than average pat-downs in its airports,” says the North Dakota Association for Terrorism Prevention’s executive director. “The least likely place a terrorist would strike anywhere in the world is North Dakota. So it only makes sense that the TSA maintains a heightened state of alert to prevent terrorists from taking advantage of North Dakota’s friendly skies. That’s why most travelers who have flown out of a North Dakota airport have most likely experienced a pat-down or three at some point. Also, given that relatively nothing happens in the state, routine frisks give the TSA something to do during the long winter months. Plus, North Dakota’s close proximity to Canada also puts its security at risk. Saskatchewan and Manitoba could have the potential to be the new middle east of the western hemisphere.”
The government shutdown has lead to long lines at many airports around the country, but the North Dakota TSA has some tips for travelers to keep the lines moving along.
“Ideally passengers should not travel with any luggage, carry-ons, or personal items, and wear as little clothing as possible,” says a North Dakota TSA agent. “A rule of thumb passengers should remember is our ‘head and shoulders, knees and toes’ policy. Keep those areas of your body visible at all times to keep the lines moving. And until the government shutdown ends, travelers should continue to expect longer than average lines.”
ND Congressional Delegation Organizes Federal Employee Garage Sale
Nearly 800,000 federal employees are currently having their paychecks withheld, including all North Dakota TSA Agents. North Dakota’s congressional delegation say they are working on a plan to support federal employees who have been impacted by the longest government shutdown in history.
“Senator Hoeven, Cramer, and Representative Armstrong are working together to come up with sensible solutions for the federal employees impacted by the government shutdown,” the delegation said in a joint statement. “No federal employee should be forced to choose between groceries and rent, which is why our staff are organizing the first ever ‘Shutdown Saturday’ statewide garage sale at the Bismarck Event Center, the Fargo Dome, Grand Forks’ Alerus Center, and the Minot Civic Auditorium that will allow federal employees to sell their belongings. Proceeds from the sale of federal employee belongings will fund the border wall. The sooner the wall is funded, the sooner the great men and women of the Federal Government can go back to work. This solution ultimately puts government workers back to work and makes our nation safer.”
Senator Hoeven and Representative Armstrong say they will use their next congressional paychecks to shop exclusively at the Saturday Shutdown event. Senator Cramer says he has no plans to contribute any portion of his pay towards the statewide garage sale, but says he is still happy to have his name included in the delegation’s press release.
North Dakotans are told to look for a Shutdown Saturday flyer in their local newspapers for more details.
As a reminder, the Flickertail Times is a satirical humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: email@example.com