Bismarck, N.D. – North Dakotans are heading to the polls Tuesday to elect more Republicans, leaving many wondering if Democrats will manage to hold onto a single seat after election day. As one of the most conservative states in the country, nearly 90% of North Dakota’s elected officials are Republicans.
A red wave sweeping across North Dakota on election night serves in stark contrast to the rest of the nation, where Democrats are confident they will make strong gains in key congressional races. Meanwhile, North Dakota’s Legislative Council has taken the rare step of ordering Republican replacement name plaques for the few Democrats who currently hold legislative seats.
“There doesn’t seem to be any question as to what will happen on election day, so we may as well save ourselves some time and get the new Republican name plaques ordered,” says ND Legislative Council Stationary Manager Val Carlson.
Historically, North Dakota has a longstanding history of electing Republicans to nearly every office and seat. As a result, the Secretary of State’s office this year is hoping to eliminate voter confusion by providing all voters with a ballot that only contains Republican candidates. Those wishing to vote for Democrats or Independents will need to request an “alternative ballot” at their designated polling station.
“There tends to be a lot of voter confusion on election day, but we know at the end of the day North Dakotans overwhelmingly support Republican candidates. To eliminate any confusion over what North Dakotans want, ballots at each polling station will only contain Republican candidates and by default, those ballots will not vote in favor of marijuana legalization,” says North Dakota’s Voter Integrity Commissioner. “Those wishing for an alternative ballot can request one at their polling station, however, in addition to a valid driver’s license that lists their physical mailing address, they’ll also need to provide a hair sample, a copy of an FBI background check conducted in the last ten days, and a Bureau of Criminal Investigation approved fingerprint sampling to ensure voter integrity.”
All voters on election day in North Dakota will also receive a “I voted for Republicans” sticker following their ballot submission.
North Dakota’s election this year has found itself in the national spotlight, in part due to the state’s controversial voter ID laws that require all voters, including Native Americans, to possess identification that lists their actual residence. As a result, many Native Americans across North Dakota have applied for revised identification cards allowing them to vote. However, the North Dakota Secretary of State’s office says that a new identification card will not be enough.
“We are aware that many tribes in North Dakota are issuing revised identification cards at alarming rates to allow their members to vote,” says the ND Voter Integrity Commissioner. “Our office is aware of this, which is why we’ll be requiring anyone who votes on a reservation or claims Native American heritage to provide a copy of their 23AndMe or Ancestry DNA test result at their polling station. Anyone who’s heritage is less than 50% Mandan, Hidatsa, Arikara, Sioux, or Chippewa will be provided with a Republican-only ballot. It’s part of a ‘take their land, take their vote’ strategy that has long worked for our party and we’re thinking of expanding the ID law to other areas including purchases for groceries, gas, and other provisions.”
Many Republicans are already making celebratory election-day plans including ND Tax Commissioner Ryan Rauschenberger and Secretary of State Al Jaeger.
“Ryan is throwing an all out kegger at the capitol,” says Rauschenberger’s Campaign Celebration Committee Chair. “At this point, it doesn’t matter what he does, because people still vote for him. He could get another DUI on election day and he’d still crush his competition. In fact, we’re anticipating both of those scenarios, so we’ve made a t-shirt we’re giving out on election night titled ‘tic-tac-toe, three DUIS and a row!'”
Meanwhile, Secretary of State Al Jaeger is throwing an “Old School Moves like Jaeger” election night dance to celebrate his expected win over Democratic challenger Josh Boschee.
“There’s nothing more old school in North Dakota than Al Jaeger. He’s so old school, his fax machine still accepts Morse-code telegrams,” says Jaegar’s campaign chairman. “He has zigged, zagged, moonwalked and swagged right past his own party and the Democrats. And if he wins on election night, he’ll have served in office for nearly a century, maybe longer. Nobody really knows how long he’s been here because everyone has lost count.”
Many flower shops across the region are also preparing for election day.
“We usually sell out of sympathy bouquets, plants, and cards by mid-afternoon on election day,” says one local florist. “We’re pretty thankful for North Dakota’s Democratic Party. They’re usually responsible for more sympathy-related sales than any other demographic in our state, including seniors.”
As an inevitable doom awaits state Democrats, some Republicans are already asking themselves what they’ll do next pending a Republican sweep on election day.
Conservative blogger Rob Port is expected to drag Senator Heidi Heitkamp across the coals for several weeks following her probable loss to Kevin Cramer. Following his post-election hit pieces and obituaries, several sources state that Port is considering enrolling in Dickinson State University’s esports program.
“He sits all day grinding at the computer for hours on end. Enrolling in esports makes perfect sense for him,” said a Republican strategist on condition of anonymity. “After Heidi’s demise, he’ll need something to pound the keyboard at. Fortnite and League of Legends seems like good places for him to continue arm chairing his way to success. Heck, maybe he’ll even finish that degree that seems to be source of his university system frustrations.”
The Flickertail Times is a satirical humor blog focusing on all things North Dakotan. Feedback? We’d love to hear it! Send us anything and everything to: firstname.lastname@example.org.