Bismarck, N.D. — Republican Senate Candidate Kevin Cramer asserted recently that a sexual assault between two people he didn’t know 30 years ago never took place.

During a recent interview, Cramer discussed the recent controversy between Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, in which Dr. Ford claimed Kavanaugh attempted to rape her at a party 36 years ago.

Cramer called the accusations absurd, claiming Ford and Kavanaugh were only teenagers at the time.

“Listen, these allegations are sad, and supposedly, Kavanaugh wasn’t successful in raping Ford,” said Kramer. “So in my book, that doesn’t even count. And we’re talking about teenagers, not adults, just two young, drunk teenagers having a good time. And young love, blossoming in the hot, steamy air in the swamps of D.C. between two co-eds isn’t the same as a male boss subjecting his subordinate to abuse. Just Google ‘co-eds’ and ‘boss and secretary’ and you’ll see the difference for yourself. But going back to Kavanaugh and Ms. Ford, it sounds like nothing happened. In fact, the whole thing sounds like a scene out of Animal House. It was a really great party, from what I understand, because I certainly wasn’t there. But there was music, and drinks, and a lot of fun, and a lot of attractive people, from what I’ve been told, because I wasn’t there. Nobody invited me. Did I mention I wasn’t there?”

Cramer’s comments were a shocking admission that sexual assault between teenagers is permissible. However, it remains unclear how Cramer could have direct knowledge…