North Dakota Gives The Boot on Election Day

Posted on November 07, 2018, 12:49 pm
5 mins

Bismarck, N.D. – North Dakotans wasted no time cleaning house Tuesday, giving a number of candidates and measures the boot.

As predicted yesterday in our election analysis, Senator Heidi Heitkamp lost to Congressman Kevin Cramer in her US Senate Re-Election bid.

In the spirit of “North Dakota Nice”, Heitkamp’s bus was set on fire and her house egged following her loss.

Conservatives including blogger Rob Port wasted no time dragging Heitkamp through the coals following her loss. Port’s obsession with Heitkamp continued through a series of tweets Wednesday morning.

Rob Port’s obsession with Heidi Heitkamp continued following her loss on Tuesday

Heitkamp’s political loss should give Port plenty to feed off of for the next few weeks and buy him some time until he enrolls in Dickinson State’s esports program, allowing him to continue his keyboard pounding for years to come as he considers a career as a professional Fortnite player.

Noticeably absent from many political conversations was Kevin Cramer himself. While many conservatives highlighted Heitkamp’s faults throughout the campaign, few were able to provide any traits that made Cramer a qualified candidate.

“Kevin’s win is the equivalent of electing the unpopular kid to student council. He’s so happy that he actually won that he’ll bend to anyone’s will,” says a North Dakota GOP Strategist. “Nobody is talking about his merits because he has none. He’s there just to keep the seat warm while the adults in the room do all the thinking for him.”

Measure three, which proposed legalizing recreational marijuana, was soundly defeated by North Dakota voters.

“It’s reassuring to know that North Dakota still adheres to the values of the 1950’s,” said the North Dakota Coalition Against the Advancement of Marijuana. “Voter suppression and the continued prosecution of marijuana use are the values that North Dakota holds dear as evident by yesterday’s results.”

Caravans of marijuana supporters were spotted on I-29 this morning headed to Canada to shake off their post-election sorrows.

Also sent packing was Rep. Al Carlson from Fargo. In a stunning upset, Al Carlson lost his re-election bid, marking Carlson’s first loss since 1918 when he was first elected to the North Dakota House of Representatives.

Al Carlson will return to his exhibit at the ND Heritage Center following is loss Tuesday.

Despite Carlson’s departure from the House Chamber, he’ll still remain on North Dakota’s Capitol grounds for many years to come. Carlson will return to his exhibit in the North Dakota Heritage Center where he’ll be enclosed in glass and stand as a “monument to yesterday”. The exhibit is sponsored by the North Dakota Petroleum Council.

Secretary of State Al Jaeger partied well into the night at his “Moves like Jaeger” dance party following his victory over Josh Boschee. Jaeger assured voters he’d work to update his office’s technology, notably by replacing typewriters with refurbished Apple IIGS computers.

“If these refurbished models can run Oregon Trail, they can run our office,” said Jaeger.

While the evening was a tough night for many Democrats, incumbent Democratic State Senator Erin Oban narrowly defeated Gary Emineth in her re-election bid. Her victory proved that small pockets of Democrats do exist in Bismarck, primarily in the Highland Acres neighborhood. Residents in Highland Acres are rumored to be considering passing local ordinances to legalize marijuana and provide universal healthcare to their neighborhood following Oban’s success.

Emineth, on the other hand, is rumored to have already listed his Highland Acres home for sale and will continue his tradition of relocating to a new AirBNB every six weeks in different locations across the country.

No word on if Emineth’s outstanding leans will be paid prior to his departure from North Dakota.

The Flickertail Times is a satirical humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: [email protected]

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Teddy Meadowlark was born and raised in North Dakota. Today he travels often across the Flickertail State, drawing inspiration for his stories from the events and people shaping North Dakota.