Senate Candidate Asserts Sexual Assault Never Happened Between Two People He Didn’t Know Thirty Years Ago At A Party He Wasn’t Invited To Attend

Posted on September 22, 2018, 12:06 pm
4 mins

Bismarck, N.D. — Republican Senate Candidate Kevin Cramer asserted recently that a sexual assault between two people he didn’t know 30 years ago never took place.

During a recent interview, Cramer discussed the recent controversy between Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, in which Dr. Ford claimed Kavanaugh attempted to rape her at a party 36 years ago.

Cramer called the accusations absurd, claiming Ford and Kavanaugh were only teenagers at the time.

“Listen, these allegations are sad, and supposedly, Kavanaugh wasn’t successful in raping Ford,” said Kramer. “So in my book, that doesn’t even count. And we’re talking about teenagers, not adults, just two young, drunk teenagers having a good time. And young love, blossoming in the hot, steamy air in the swamps of D.C. between two co-eds isn’t the same as a male boss subjecting his subordinate to abuse. Just Google ‘co-eds’ and ‘boss and secretary’ and you’ll see the difference for yourself. But going back to Kavanaugh and Ms. Ford, it sounds like nothing happened. In fact, the whole thing sounds like a scene out of Animal House. It was a really great party, from what I understand, because I certainly wasn’t there. But there was music, and drinks, and a lot of fun, and a lot of attractive people, from what I’ve been told, because I wasn’t there. Nobody invited me. Did I mention I wasn’t there?”

Cramer’s comments were a shocking admission that sexual assault between teenagers is permissible. However, it remains unclear how Cramer could have direct knowledge of the actual encounter between Ford and Kavanaugh (which took place near Washington, D.C. at an elite prep-school), given Cramer didn’t know the two individuals. At the time of the assault, Cramer was reportedly attending Minnesota State University in Moorhead, Minn, nearly 1,500 miles from the incident.

Although Kramer maintains he wasn’t at the party, several sources close to Kramer report that he often tried to attend high school parties while in college to “impress the ladies.”

“I think Kevin’s favorite ‘move’ when he was at the parties was shaking hands with the most attractive girl at the party, and afterwards, he’d congratulate them for shaking hands with North Dakota’s future tax-commissioner,” said the source. “So when Kevin was unsuccessful in his tax commissioner bid in ’84, it was a real blow to his self-esteem. Apparently though he used the same line a few times at some parties after being appointed as North Dakota’s Public Service Commissioner, but again it backfired because everyone at the parties thought he was the landlord.”

Despite Cramer’s comments, it remains unclear if the Congressman crashed any prep-school parties in the 1980’s or was simply trying to live vicariously through Kavanaugh’s prep-school years.

The Flickertail Times is a satirical news and humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: [email protected]

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Teddy Meadowlark was born and raised in North Dakota. Today he travels often across the Flickertail State, drawing inspiration for his stories from the events and people shaping North Dakota.