North Dakota Declares War on Miss America Pageant

Posted on August 17, 2018, 3:52 pm
4 mins

Bismarck, N.D. — Governor Doug Burgum ordered the Bismarck National Guard on high alert as North Dakota has officially declared war on the Miss America Pageant. The North Dakota National Guard was mobilized Friday afternoon following a bombshell letter from current Miss America and North Dakota Native Cara Mund, citing the contest had intentionally silenced her in an attempt to “erase her from her role” according to Mund’s letter.

Governor Burgum made his announcement at the 119th Wing of the North Dakota National Guard in Bismarck.

“North Dakota is willing and ready to stand alongside Cara,” Burgum said. “I have ordered the North Dakota National Guard on high alert, and as I speak, the B-52 Stratofortress unit from the Minot Air Force Base is ready to strike with pinpoint precision and accuracy on my command. The people at Miss America picked the wrong girl to mess with. They tried to silence Cara’s voice, but now, we are going to silence them.”

Governor Doug Burgum announced the North Dakota National Guard had been mobilized to wage war with the Miss America Pageant.

Heavy security including military tanks were spotted moving towards the state capitol grounds following Burgum’s announcement. Dozens of businesses and offices closed early Friday in preparation for military action against the Miss America Pageant.

Several grocers in Bismarck reported their shelves have been wiped clean in response to the military action.

“People here are readying for the long haul,” said a local grocer. “My shelves were completely cleared out in less than an hour. I’m completely out of bread, water, and liquor. This Miss America war isn’t going to be pretty.”

North Dakota’s Congressional Delegation also issued a rare joint-statement following Governor Burgum’s announcement.

“North Dakota has a long history of producing some of the best and brightest people in our nation, including the likes of Miss America Cara Mund. Cara is a shining star on our prairie and embodies the spirit of our state. While our Congressional Delegation certainly has its differences, Senator Hoeven, Senator Heitkamp, and Congressman Kramer stand united today in support of Cara. Together, we are sending a clear message to the people who have attempted to silence her voice through a message of unity and strength: don’t mess with the Rough Rider State.”

Protesters took to the streets Friday in support of Cara Mund.

Late Friday, thousands took to the streets shouting, “I stand with Cara”, prompting city officials in Bismarck, Minot, Grand Forks and Fargo to shut down several streets.

“We want Cara to know that we’re ready to fight with her,” said a protester. “The Miss America folks are going to find out they just picked a fight with 700,000 of the toughest people in the country.”

The war with the Miss America Pageant is now the second war Governor Burgum has declared since elected to office. Earlier this year, Burgum waged war with neighboring Minnesota after a “duck duck goose/grey duck” dispute. A treaty was quickly signed however after both states reached a “politeness” stalemate after each insisting the other fire the first shot.

The Flickertail Times is a satirical/humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: [email protected]

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Teddy Meadowlark was born and raised in North Dakota. Today he travels often across the Flickertail State, drawing inspiration for his stories from the events and people shaping North Dakota.