Bismarck, N.D. – Conservative North Dakota Blogger Rob Port was arrested at a local hospital this week after a failed attempt to interview Senator Heidi Heitkamp on his podcast.
Records show that Port disguised himself as Heitkamp’s Gynecologist in order to secure a coveted interview with the Democratic Senator. Port has long voiced frustration that Heitkamp has “dodged” his attempts for a podcast interview. Port states his arrest is a violation of his first amendment rights.
“This is a blatant violation of the freedom of the press, and possibly the freedom of information act,” said Port. “I asked Heidi to come to my studio for a podcast interview, but she said no. I asked again politely and she still said no. I sent a request to attend her and her husband’s anniversary party to get some answers, but was denied. I tried to follow her brother Joel on a fishing trip, but since I can’t swim, I didn’t think that was a good idea. I even tried to sit next to her at church, but since I don’t actually know of any satanic churches in North Dakota, where I assume she attends, that fell through. I even went digging through her garbage but that yielded no results. So when one of my readers tipped me off she had her yearly exam coming-up, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to get her to answer some of my questions and be held accountable to the fine citizens of North Dakota. I know Heidi is hiding something, and if it means I need to do some probing, I will.”
Port was apprehended by hospital security and could face several charges, including impersonating a medical provider and malpractice.
“Honestly, I thought it was a little suspicious that my doctor insisted on wearing a medical mask throughout my entire exam,” says Heitkamp. “I knew something wasn’t right when he put his Fischer-Price stethoscope on my knee, and asked me if I was feeling any symptoms after lying about the impact of Trump’s trade strategy on soybean farmers. And given my appointment was with my gynecologist, I’m just glad security stepped in before the exam went any further.”
Heitkamp’s office says the Senator has been in “good spirits” despite the matter.
“On the plus side, during Heidi’s yearly exam, Port determined that the Senator is pregnant, so that’s really lifted her spirits on the campaign trail,” said a Heitkamp spokeswoman.
Conservative Radio Host Scott Hennen weighed in on the manner, soon after Port’s arrest was announced.
“This is just another example of Obamacare politics interfering with our healthcare system,” said Hennen. “Rob had every right to conduct Heidi’s gynecology exam, and if Congress wouldn’t drag their feet on repeal and replace, Rob would have completed that exam and we’d finally get some answers. Because frankly, North Dakota is sick of Heidi dodging the issues.”
Hennen reported that he has total confidence in Port’s ability to properly conduct a medical exam.
“Malpractice? That’s nonsense. Port is a good guy and he knows what he’s doing. I’ve already made an appointment with him for my yearly prostate exam,” said Hennen.
The Flickertail Times is a satirical/humor blog featuring all things North Dakota. Feedback? We’d love to hear it. Send it all to: [email protected]