Bismarck, N.D. — Republican Senate Candidate Kevin Cramer asserted recently that a sexual assault between two people he didn’t know 30 years ago never took place.
During a recent interview, Cramer discussed the recent controversy between Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, in which Dr. Ford claimed Kavanaugh attempted to rape her at a party 36 years ago.
Cramer called the accusations absurd, claiming Ford and Kavanaugh were only teenagers at the time.
“Listen, these allegations are sad, and supposedly, Kavanaugh wasn’t successful in raping Ford,” said Kramer. “So in my book, that doesn’t even count. And we’re talking about teenagers, not adults, just two young, drunk teenagers having a good time. And young love, blossoming in the hot, steamy air in the swamps of D.C. between two co-eds isn’t the same as a male boss subjecting his subordinate to abuse. Just Google ‘co-eds’ and ‘boss and secretary’ and you’ll see the difference for yourself. But going back to Kavanaugh and Ms. Ford, it sounds like nothing happened. In fact, the whole thing sounds like a scene out of Animal House. It was a really great party, from what I understand, because I certainly wasn’t there. But there was music, and drinks, and a lot of fun, and a lot of attractive people, from what I’ve been told, because I wasn’t there. Nobody invited me. Did I mention I wasn’t there?”
Cramer’s comments were a shocking admission that sexual assault between teenagers is permissible. However, it remains unclear how Cramer could have direct knowledge…
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
North Dakota is now the fourth happiest state in the country, according to a new report published by NBC News.
North Dakota jumped from fourteenth to fourth place in the annual happiness survey. The increase in happiness coincides with a recent spike in suicide rates in North Dakota — up 57 percent according to another study by the CDC.
North Dakota saw the highest increase in suicide rates than any other state in the country, according to the report. The surge of suicides in North Dakota could explain the Peace Garden State’s gains in the happiness index, given that depressed individuals are taking their lives at alarming rates, thus decreasing the amount of people identified as “depressed” in the state and leaving more room for people who generally identify themselves as “happy”.
“More suicides ultimately means there are less depressed people around, leading us to believe the folks who are still here are probably happy,” says Governor Burgum’s Happiness Index Coordinator.
Governor Burgum was quick to celebrate the happiness metrics on social media.
“#ICYMI: The happiest states in America, ranked. Is your state one of them? Absolutely! North Dakota is #4 and we’re pretty ecstatic about it,” according to the Governor’s Facebook page.
“While a surge in suicides might seem like a bad thing, it is leaving more room for people who are happy. That said, we’re looking forward to the next year’s happiness index results. If current suicide trends continue in North Dakota, we’re looking at virtually…