Bismarck, N.D. — Governor Doug Burgum ordered the Bismarck National Guard on high alert as North Dakota has officially declared war on the Miss America Pageant. The North Dakota National Guard was mobilized Friday afternoon following a bombshell letter from current Miss America and North Dakota Native Cara Mund, citing the contest had intentionally silenced her in an attempt to “erase her from her role” according to Mund’s letter.
Governor Burgum made his announcement at the 119th Wing of the North Dakota National Guard in Bismarck.
“North Dakota is willing and ready to stand alongside Cara,” Burgum said. “I have ordered the North Dakota National Guard on high alert, and as I speak, the B-52 Stratofortress unit from the Minot Air Force Base is ready to strike with pinpoint precision and accuracy on my command. The people at Miss America picked the wrong girl to mess with. They tried to silence Cara’s voice, but now, we are going to silence them.”
Heavy security including military tanks were spotted moving towards the state capitol grounds following Burgum’s announcement. Dozens of businesses and offices closed early Friday in preparation for military action against the Miss America Pageant.
Several grocers in Bismarck reported their shelves have been wiped clean in response to the military action.
“People here are readying for the long haul,” said a local grocer. “My shelves were completely…
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Bismarck, N.D. – Conservative North Dakota Blogger Rob Port was arrested at a local hospital this week after a failed attempt to interview Senator Heidi Heitkamp on his podcast.
Records show that Port disguised himself as Heitkamp’s Gynecologist in order to secure a coveted interview with the Democratic Senator. Port has long voiced frustration that Heitkamp has “dodged” his attempts for a podcast interview. Port states his arrest is a violation of his first amendment rights.
“This is a blatant violation of the freedom of the press, and possibly the freedom of information act,” said Port. “I asked Heidi to come to my studio for a podcast interview, but she said no. I asked again politely and she still said no. I sent a request to attend her and her husband’s anniversary party to get some answers, but was denied. I tried to follow her brother Joel on a fishing trip, but since I can’t swim, I didn’t think that was a good idea. I even tried to sit next to her at church, but since I don’t actually know of any satanic churches in North Dakota, where I assume she attends, that fell through. I even went digging through her garbage but that yielded no results. So when one of my readers tipped me off she had her yearly exam coming-up, I felt it was the perfect opportunity to get her to answer some of my questions and be held accountable to the fine citizens of North Dakota. I know Heidi is hiding something, and…