Grand Forks, N.D. —The University of North Dakota unveiled its new Fighting Hawk mascot this weekend at the famed Potato Bowl homecoming event after weeks of speculation.
The Fighting Hawk mascot, who currently bears no nick-name, rolled into the Alerus Center on the back of a golf cart to the dismay of 11,000 fans.
The Fighting Hawk’s personal protection team (who also provide security for UND President Mark Kennedy) stood closely by, monitoring the situation with several evacuation contingencies ready at any possible sign of trouble for the mascot.
As the fireworks blasted and smoke rose, the mascot rolled onto the field as it lead its team to their impending doom. After four quarters of punishment, the Hawks were handed a crushing 21-25 homecoming defeat by the Idaho State Bengals.
The Hawk’s appearance was kept in secret and teased via the university’s social media accounts, aimed at sparking enthusiasm for the big reveal. But sadly, Saturday’s loss was yet another dark chapter in the mascot’s shadowy story, who once made a living as an animatronic backup singer in the former Chuck-E-Cheese’s Make Believe Band.
For four decades, the Fighting Hawk’s mascot was known as Helen Henny, who both entertained and haunted thousands of children on stage at Chuck-E-Cheese’s.
Helen and the rest of Munch’s Make Believe Band rose to stardom in the retrofuturism of the 1980’s, who fueled their fame on sex, pizza, and rock and roll. Their robotic bodies, vibrant vocals, and electrifying performances wowed audiences, leading to record profits for…
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Bismarck, N.D. — Republican Senate Candidate Kevin Cramer asserted recently that a sexual assault between two people he didn’t know 30 years ago never took place.
During a recent interview, Cramer discussed the recent controversy between Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, in which Dr. Ford claimed Kavanaugh attempted to rape her at a party 36 years ago.
Cramer called the accusations absurd, claiming Ford and Kavanaugh were only teenagers at the time.
“Listen, these allegations are sad, and supposedly, Kavanaugh wasn’t successful in raping Ford,” said Kramer. “So in my book, that doesn’t even count. And we’re talking about teenagers, not adults, just two young, drunk teenagers having a good time. And young love, blossoming in the hot, steamy air in the swamps of D.C. between two co-eds isn’t the same as a male boss subjecting his subordinate to abuse. Just Google ‘co-eds’ and ‘boss and secretary’ and you’ll see the difference for yourself. But going back to Kavanaugh and Ms. Ford, it sounds like nothing happened. In fact, the whole thing sounds like a scene out of Animal House. It was a really great party, from what I understand, because I certainly wasn’t there. But there was music, and drinks, and a lot of fun, and a lot of attractive people, from what I’ve been told, because I wasn’t there. Nobody invited me. Did I mention I wasn’t there?”
Cramer’s comments were a shocking admission that sexual assault between teenagers is permissible. However, it remains unclear how Cramer could have direct knowledge…